Bloggin'.

I am currently listening to Beyonce’s Album with I f I were A Boy in it, currently it is playing as I type this all down, because as of now, I wish I am a boy. Real thing about this is that I am in love with guys, not girls, but if I can turn back time I wish I was a guy, I might be happier with girls that are truthful, if not all, almost all girls are truthful and honest. Someone just broke my heart as I type this down and we haven’t talked yet but I assume he will break my heart once we talk anytime. I understand his situation why he keeps on asking money from me everytime we meet, that he needs the money to survive each day wandering on the streets, but I am also in need of money that is why I am working so hard, for me to keep up with life, I also have things that I want to buy like gadgets I need, like stuffs I need, foods I want to eat, budget for me to go somewhere to have fun, none of it is about guys because I never wished for someone hot as he is to be with me, and by the end of the day I need to give out money, I want true love that is why I am wondering right now, what if I am a guy who can fall for a girl, will the girl do the same as guys does to me?, will they ask money from me everytime we meet though I can only give my heart out and my time to them?, how I wish I can but I know it is impossible, I am forever gonna be gay from now, irreversible I know, irreversible but how I wish before I die I can find someone who is honest and who is willing to never ask money from me and just accept my heart and my time and everything that I can provide to have the relationship working.

He just dissappeared after I lost my job, he knows that I am broke since I lost my job that was paying me money for me to provide to this guy, he just dissappeared, he doesn’t know that I can’t provide him money anymore, or I do not want to because I want to have this relationship work out without money involved.

I want to talk to him still though, I want to clarify things between us two though right now my heart is assuming that it is broken.

Lots of things I want to say to a guy that I really love, to a guy that I accept everything about, for someone that I am not ashamed of being with, for someone like Joseph, I love you but we have to talk to clear this fog out of my head.

Where are you when I need you, I was looking for you, why are you hiding for me?, don’t worry I’m never gonna care about anything just talk to me and show up to me, and I am fine with that, as long as I can hear the true things it’s acceptable.

Fine, I am hurting right now, because you left me without any notice, we had a fight just because of 25 pesos at a cheap resto, you fought with the lady and told her to call the cops but she then allowed you to pay it back next time. Just with the 25 bucks you went away. You think I wasn’t embarrassed with what happened, tell you baby J., I have a pride that is taller than me and than any building that is being told the tallest of all, higher than the tip of Mount Everest and you think it doesn’t matter for me being embarassed with the few bucks I lack. I just went away out of that cheap resto because you told me so, you were so mad at me I can feel it and I know that you were embarrassed, but don’t ever tell me that it is nothing for me because I was hurt more than you were. I just lost a job on that day we ate on that resto, I went to your work place because I just want to talk to you, I just want to see your face, I just want to see that you are okay, I wasn’t expecting that you will invite me to eat and I will pay it all, I was broke, I was shocked when you ordered too much and I didn’t have the appetite to eat the foods you ordered, so I let you ate mine, I didn’t even know what I was saying because of  the money that lacks me, I talk shit over shit because I was nervous, so nervous that you will move away from me, when you told me that I must go now, I went out and did what you told me, I was waiting for you but you saw me and didn’t even say hi or hello, just pretended you didn’t see, you went out with another guy and I was so shocked when you just said hi and just that, not even a smile that I would like to see, it’s your job but it’s hard to accept. I told your friend that I will stay outside up until 12 o’clock but I waited for you and you didn’t came, I was so broke because even my money for me to go home was spent, I was expecting you to come and lend me some cash or let me stay where you are staying but you didn’t came, so I walked fast, changed clothes, and freshen myself up to look neat, I was planning to make things up so I can go home and which I did went home because of all the lies I told to the driver. At the jeep I pretended sleeping or drunk, I don’t know what they were thinking about me but I know I went off the local vehicle, I was able to talk to the bus driver to let me go home because I told him that I left my money where I rode, went off the bus, walked my way to home, momma opened the door, I didn’t talked to her because I don’t want to let her know of my situation or where was I, just got dressed, washed my face, drink some water, fixed my bed and think a little, slept.

Next thing is that I thought of looking for a job, so borrowed some cash with momma, and brought my resume and some clothes, I thought that I can apply even at holidays because that is what I did before, but everything is closed so I just went to where you at to have a little talk of what happened, I remembered that I even wrote a love letter for you, typed everything, it ws 4 pages but I didn’t print it because I will lack in cash upon going home so I just waited for you, waited for several hours, passed, went to where your room is, went to where you are working, went to anywhere I can possibly see you but I didn’t saw even a glimpse of you. People speculates around me why you are not showing up, I told them about us, but all they can say is that I should have cash if I want to meet with you, some of them told me that it is just about the money, I didn’t believe them at first, because I felt that there was love involve between us, not about the money but about the love, now I am starting to believe them because of what you did, you know that I was there but you didn’t show up, you knew I was there but not even your shadow has been seen by my blurry eyes. My love is starting to fade now, but the thing here is that I know I need to talk to you to have this case closed instead of just moving away and just get gone all of a sudden, you need to know everything first, you need to explain same as I do, we need to clarify stuffs before we close this and bid goodbye, yes, as of now, I am starting to lose you in my heart because you keep on moving away, but we need to talk, so I’ll keep it that way for now, I’ll wait for the time that we can talk and then after that let’s see what happens. See you.

I feel that anytime I will soon die, so why waste time if every minute is an opportunity for me to do something nice. One thing that is in my head right now is to find another job, may not be permanent but I will make sure that I can retrieve all the things that I lost, I need to buy a new cellphone for sure, something that has all the features that I need and want, I will go for alcatel Android phone, I forgot the name of it but I’ll go for it for sure, first thing’s first, I gotta buy an iPod shuffle first, something that has a long battery life and at the same time budget-friendly is what I want, so that is the first thing that I will buy then next will be phone, and followed by the rest. I am not sure how much will I earn for my new job but I am quite sure that I am gonna get a job this month, April today and I feel that I have a job this month. I am never gonna be choosy anymore, I just need a job because first reason is I want to buy the things I need, second is I don’t wanna get bored not doing anything at home and just seeing my mom who keeps on telling me what to do, third is I want to stay looking good because I just noticed that the more I get exposed with people around the more I look better and prettier, yes having a job means getting sleepless nights or getting stressed but it helps me look good, so I gotta go find one heck of a job, fourth reason is I need to do soul-searching, I just broke up with my bouyfriend, though there were no official talks about it but I decided to move away since when I was looking for him at his place, he was nowhere to be found, went to where he is working but still the same, he is in the hiding because we had a fight or he has my iPod that has an expensive headset and he doesn’t want to return it, well, I know this man needs me because when I was working I give him big money everytime we meet, I sometimes allow him to get my clothes that he want, or let him eat food that he likes, I don’t have a clue where he is right now but I’ll bet it is because of me being jobless why he is hiding, he just needs me, this calls for a new blog topic so I’ll cut this for now. Fifth reason why I need to find a job is that I need to resign properly for me to use it as something when I apply for another job, some sort of clean up with all the mess I did, not to mention this job will be my 6th I guess so I just need to resign properly so once I apply for my 7th which will be my permanent job as long as I am here in the Philippines, I am sure that they will keep me as their own, in between I need to get done with some of my pre-requisites that I missed in college. Last reason I can include in here is that I want to have fun with my own money because I admit that without money I can’t feel good, it is some sort of necessity that I need to have, wealth is so important to me because I have a demanding lifestyle that I need to maintain, so this is all I have to say for now and betcha I will post another topic and by that time I have a new job. Bye.

There comes a point in life that you realize that you have wasted millions of opportunities in the past, and that is how I feel right now.

I was just killing time while I was on facebook today, and then someone added me on facebook, he was a former friend on facebook that I just deleted out of depression way back before I re-added him again, he was a friend in college, Two years ago we were talking in this cold room while I was holding my flair bottle, I  was taking Hotel and Restaurant Management, we were talking about the guys in class that pretends to be someone that they are not, I told him I was getting affected by these guys so I feel like not attending to class anymore, I had two subjects in their class, he was included in that block and we were talking about his blockmates whom we both hated, after that talk, I did not attend my final exam for a major class, I didn’t even do my final project, maybe I just got carried away by my feelings, I was so happy that I didn’t went in the classroom where they are at, I was happy, and now I feel I have wasted time, I wasted a big opportunity to walk down the aisle for graduation, now they are almost over, and I am just on my Third year in college, so left behind, they are on their way to fulfilling their dreams and I am here stuck inside my room typing this blog entry and I feel like crying right now because I should’ve not let my feelings got in my way, now, I am so regretful of what had happened, and now I don’t even know what to do anymore because I am seeking for a job, same thing, wasted opportunity that should’ve become a fulfilled dream.

Maybe it is because I am hopeless right now, because I know that I am gonna die young so I keep on creating these mistakes that I know will happen, maybe it is because I am so aware that I am never gonna live that long that is why I am bombarded with these problems, mistakes, and all the bad things that a man can experience, I am so hopeless and is giving up right now, I am lost in a dark forest where I don’t know how to go out, chasing dreams then giving up while in the middle of chasing it, not pursuing what can be of good in the end, that is me, I just start things but I never finish it.

I am twenty years of age and it sucks being me, because I should be studying right now but here I am thinking of what to buy with the next salary that I will earn upon finding a new job as a call center agent, getting depressed of what other people have to say to me and doping stuffs that I know are wrong just to make myself feel better though I know it is just a cover up with the real pain and it can never remove the facts, I am so ashamed of myself right now and I feel like killing myself, well, guess what, this is the 100^th time I mentioned killing myself but here I am still living and typing this down, I don’t want to have that pain, extreme pain by pinching a knife in my body or cutting my skin with it, I don’t even want to tie myself on a tree or a high cliff, I don’t want to jump on a building because that means extreme pain, don’t want to drink pills and overdoes myself with it because pain can be felt while slowly killing myself, so in other words I don’t want to die if I will experience extreme pain or even the slightest of it because I am scared of pain or getting hurt, I may say it but when I think of the pain, it stops me from doing it, so I’m just gonna say it for now, I want to kill myself.

I never thought that I can write a blog post so fierce as this, this is me, the real me. So far the fiercest I can write in public.

It is officially my unemployed day, again, yes I got no job anymore and I am planning to apply for another job of the same field in a couple of months from March 2012, I keep on saying that this job is tough, maybe not, I just found out that it is because of the people I am working with that is why I find this job so hard to do, I just don’t feel comfortable with people that tries so hard to fit in and pretends to be tough though they all know that I am the one who is tough and real, what I see inside is never gonna be them when they are outside, pretends to be someone that they are not, why am I saying this, it is because they are the reason why I am out of the company now.

Well, at least I am free with stress and I don’t have to think of going back, not unless I need to go fix my documents, then that is the only reason why I am coming back, if that did not happen, I haven’t had the chance to drink so hard and make out with my boyfriend that we don’t say but we know that we are together.

Couple of months is so long for a person that gets easily bored like me, all I have in mind is eat, work out, listen to the radio, listen to my music in my phone since my MP3 player is with someone, create online accounts and update everything all at the same time, clean the house, write on my blog, write stuffs in my notebook, put something in my planner, wash my face to keep it as smooth and clean as possible, take care of my health, watch tv, watch movies, watch tv series, watch music videos, think about what I did in the past, get emotional while thinking, basically these are the things that I usually do when I am gonna get stuck in my house for a long time, and it sucks right?, well, I got nothing to do about it coz I still need to wait.

After two months, it’s either I go back to school and go to other country while studying or go find a job and work again, I really don’t know up to now.

I am just gonna think that I am having a summer break from school since it is just March where school usually ends, so that’s how my mind set will be at so I am not gonna get bored that much, taking an opportunity to manage my life and relax from stress, this is it for now.

When you have learned so much with love you tend to back off, when it comes back around, doesn’t always mean that you can feel the same feeling that you had before. I can say that I have moved on with all of my pasts, or am I lying to myself?, you can say that but my mood for today is that I have moved on with everyone, sounds many but true, I tend to move on so slow that it takes a long time before I can really move on with someone, not because I am hoping for another love to blossom but because I just find love as a serious thing that everyone should do the same because we are talking about our own feelings.

There are so many factors that I don’t let go, these factors are the pillars of my heart, I tend to find these factors first before I engage into love, at this point in time, I need to be very cautious because I have been hurt a lot in the pasts.

First is never hurry love, it will come if it is for you, love can never be just about a month of being together, it takes time of knowing each other.

Second is never assume, because it can end a great friendship, sometimes you might feel that the person is in love with you and the feeling is mutual but it doesn’t always happen, it may happen for some but not all the time, so never assume so much, you need verification first.

Third is consider the factors around you, what if love is not for you for now, then maybe you should give yourself time. If love comes, never forget to leave a space for yourself, do not give it a 100 percent but leave something for you so when a relationship ends, you’ll never gonna cry a river but maybe just grab a beer and never cry, just get drunk, lol.

Fourth pillar is never say yes to a proposal when you are not yet sure or ready, because it will end up hurting yourself in the end. Know the person first, don’t jump the gun.

I consider these so much and it really is worth it because I will end up no hurting myself.

Too much talking means nothing to me, because the more I talk, the more I feel sad about the fact that I can never be happy here, try to listen to this song from Tim Urban and you’ll know what this entry is about. Heart of Me.

I’ll cut this short, the song will speak for me.

How I wish I can take back time, with all the wrong things that I have done in the past how I wish I can do it all over again and correct the mistakes I did, but the thing is I can’t. Sad part about this world is everything goes on and on, it doesn’t move backwards nor can be controlled, what we did will bring consequences in the present and future time so sad right? If I will be mentioning one thing I would pick love because that is what bothers me as I type this down. Love is a word that I never thought will be a big thing for me now, I played with my heart several times, or someone has played with it, all the people that passed through me, have used me so much that now I don’t know who to trust, it is either someone has used me for a purpose or someone is just trying me out like as if I am a toy that can be thrown away anytime after several use, but the thing is all those things which has happened hurts me now, bothers me, if there will really be someone who can mend this broken heart again. I tried several times to find the right person but I failed more than a thousand times, not to mention those wrong people that I thought was Mr. Right, I confessed a lot to many now, not to count three people, that is too many for me because you only have one shot at love for every confession you make, or if not one shot, you only have few chances of getting it back if you got what I mean. They say I should enjoy being single because if you are not committed with someone you will have no problem, the problem is being lonely is my problem, so can someone say that it is always true that being single is better if I am objecting it. I am so tired of finding the right person, most of the time I give up on love because it is taking too long to wait, I am young for a fact, 20 years old, but it doesn’t always mean that I should stay lonely when my heart says that there is something missing. What if I just stop looking for love and let time dictate Mr. Right?, can I have that right person knocking at my heart’s door?, I might regret doing so because we cannot let time dictate love, we also need to do something about it if we want to be happy, so I am never gonna quit it though there is always a thought of giving up on it. As of now, I don’t assume on someone that can be a potential, all I know is I am so open for friendship but there is another door in my heart which is open, waiting for someone to knock, then I’ll open. Too much experience on love can cause pain after all because you have the standards going up, means that fewer people can be with you because you are avoiding getting hurt, and because of all my experiences with love at such a young age, I can say I have high standards now.

I keep on bragging about my age because it is so true that I am younger than the people that surrounds me in the office, well I may not be the youngest but I am one of the youngest working his ass up with a job that I really don’t like doing, it is not because I hate what I am doing but because I hate the people tyhat surrounds me, not all of them are because I still have people on the floor to reach out to though some of them are changing their ways talking to me, still there are some that I can talk to. Well anyway, I don’t like what I am doing anymore because of the people around, that is why I prefer smoking alone listening to my music while thinking and figuring things out.

I have lots of things in my mind right now, love, sex, future plans, marriage, having kids, social, fashion, technology, plane tickets, well, as of now nothing can top love.

So let me talk about my love life as of the moment to start this blog entry.

Most of the people misunderstands gay relationships, yes I am officially gay since I was just  starting my years in college, I get attracted to boys a lot, though way back in college I am a little bit straight acting than now, my voice was even straight sounding that I even have group of friends that are all guys, funny but true, then second year college that’s when I started going with the pretty girls, as friends, haha. Well anyway.

I wasn’t serious about relationships since I was just starting my freshman year in college, all I ever thought of was to get done with this degree and fly out of the country and that’s it, love didn’t came in my head not until I started to fall for my bestfriend in college, he was my dorm mate and then we ended as best buddies, we also had one member of the group aside from us two. Speaking of my best friend, I is gay and I know that though he is not saying a word about it, there was this one time that he was so serious about his nursing book and he didn’t notice that I was holding his phone and I took a peak at the photos and then I saw a naked guy in one of the folders, then I rushed out of that folder and pretend to read text messages and then he hurriedly grabbed his phone after seeing me holding his, so it’s only about that photo why I know he is gay, moving on, after  two years of being in the same dormitory, I moved to a new place to stay, that’s when we haven’t had time to see each other more often than before, he and my other best friend used to go to my new place to invite me for dinner though they have to walk so far, but there, and because they were the ones who keep on going to my place I started going to their place instead of them as a courtesy on their part, I do ofetn sleepovers inside their dorm without the owner’s notice, haha.

I remembered my 18th birthday, they gave me a light green bra as a gift since I was so open about my sexuality to them, I don’t know who got the idea but that is how it went, then they bought a bottle of wine and I bought some food, and then we drank the whole bottle until we got drunk, we were under the orange light outside the dorm with passers by at that time and we were careless though we talked so loud and laughed out at the peek of getting drunk, then went inside and talked a little then slept.

Then I started to fall for my best friend all of a sudden, well I have a reason that I just keep on my own but I fell for him and the next thing I know I texted him a long text about how I really feel after getting overly drunk at a bar, that was a drunk text sent to his number and I woke up texting him about that, I apologized, and then that was the end of our communication, Since we were on a different place to stay for school, I haven’t had the time to make up for him, he took it so serious though I know I may be drunk that time but I know everything on that text is true, it’s just that I was so brave enough to text him about how I feel.

My first gay love was so unsuccessful.

After that I had several flings and all but no commitment, gay flings of course.

Going to the future, same as the very first encounter with gay love, I also texted this person, but this time I am not even drunk, I am just so tired at work, I was on my bed with my music on playing a song named, “Just Friends” BY Shane Harper, all of a sudden I texted him saying that I like him and all those things, we were texting, then I wasn’t done yet and he stopped me from texting because according to him he needs to sleep because he was so tired, and I know I was tired too but if I am talking about something serious like love, I would have time to stay awake though I am so tired, then I ended texting him that just forget about what I said, I felt that he doesn’t believe what I am saying, though I meant all the words.

I really liek this guy, actually as of now I am forcing myself to move on with him and still is so hard to do because there was no serious rejection, a concrete word of non-acceptance, that’s why I can’t move on because deep inside I am still hoping to have him.

They say if someone really wants to have you he will have the courage for everything no matter how hard it is, no matter what the situation is, he will do whatever it takes, but it seems to me that it’s never gonna be possible.

Admittedly, I love this guy so much that up to now I am sttill holding on to him, because he is everything that I want, he likes music, he likes beer, he’s funny, he’s cute, he’s smart, he speaks words that are so honest, he is everything that I want but he doesn’t want me.

Sometimes the people that you really would like to be with are the people that you cannot have, you may feel that it is love but if it’s not mutual it can never be not unless if you’re gonna push yourself, but I am not that type of person, I am not a person who is so obsessed with someone because I know what I feel right now is love, I don’t push because I get weak if I get near him, I don’t talk because it’s so hard to talk to him because I might say the wrong words, I pretend not to see him because the moment I look at him, I see the person I really want but I cannot have because we’re not meant to be.

I am moving on now, holding on to him but moving on and I just need time and then I can remove him outta my heart.

I love you though, but i’m moving on, so please say a concrete answer so I can move on,

anlabo mo pa rin kasi.

Wow!, I never thought I can still remember my password for tumblr.com, I had it

before but I deactivated it maybe about a year or two ago because of personal

reasons, just now, I was doing a search for cigarettes because I am sick of what

I am smoking right now, and then I clicked on some searches, read on some posts

about cigarettes and I cam on reading, “tumblr.com”, then I am here right now all

of a sudden, great thing is I really need to find something to write all my thoughts

because since I stopped writing for more than a couple of years now since I got

too busy with eork and working out my life, I can say that I am so fully-equipped

with everything to write again, and this is my first ever blog post since I stopped.

So I want to start great for my blog post and I would like to talk about love.